My Mental Health Journey Part 3

⚠️MENTAL HEALTH TRIGGER WARNING/CONTENT WARNING⚠️

I started college, not at a big university though. I attended community college to save money, and to be close to home because my parents worried, rightfully so. Slowly, the stress of college got to me, I fell into a deep depression and my anxiety controlled me. I wrote a note saying I loved family, called my parents, and hung up. But I didn’t harm myself. I sobbed on the bathroom floor, and my parents came home. I did not want to go back to the hospital. I had to get better. I had no choice. I medically withdrew from some classes to have a lighter load to manage my depression and anxiety. I got better a lot quicker. I became so much stronger over the next 2 years. I was accepted into my dream university in 2014. I was ready to live in Austin, be a longhorn, have a ‘real college experience’, and eventually start business school. I lived off campus, a bit further than friends I had that attended UT. It was such a high-paced lifestyle there. Because everyone was 2 years in they had their circle of friends. My circle of friends were some other transfer students I met during orientation. But, I changed, I was wearing T-shirts, with a sweater over it, jeans, Nike’s and my hair pulled back in a ponytail. I would go to class, come back to my apartment and spend my day in bed. I would eat in bed, study in bed, watch TV in bed, and cry in bed. I was in a rut, but this time I noticed it. I called my psychiatrist and we decided it was best for me to medically withdraw from the university before my mental health took an even bigger toll. I needed to pull myself out before I hit rock bottom again. In a matter of two days, I paid back financial aid, medically withdrew from the university, found someone to take over my apartment lease, and moved back home to Houston. In my mind, I had failed. I couldn’t do it. I was grieving the loss of my dream and fell into a deeper depression. I would one day be able to look back on this and tell myself “you gave it a shot, it just didn’t work out”, that day was far away.
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